Normal
by Evermoredeath
Summary: Set before the Anteiku raid and after Kaneki's transformation


Drabble

There was no normality in anything for him anymore.

Waking up and staring in the mirror was odd. His expression wasn't his own. His hair wasn't his own. His eyes weren't even his own. It was like he was a stranger trapped within his own skin.

His casual relationships had changed.

His eyes' connecting with any of his co-workers was odd. It was the constant crushing pity he felt from everyone that made him so unbearably restless.

He had returned to Anteiku, but to what avail? For pity? For no sense of normality? For that crushing feeling of helplessness?

Touka hid it substantially well but he felt it there, underneath the forced composure. He hated the way he saw worry flashing in her eyes when she spoke to him. He hated it when the manager occasionally-seemingly casually- asked him to take a shift off work to relax. He hated making them worry.

He despised himself for putting them into a situation where they were forced to take back a wreck. He was only a shell of the man he had been.

He may be stronger but he was hurting people by being around them. He was constantly reminding them of the many things they should fear.

 _And Hi-_

 _No._

He really found no re-assurance or normality in anything.

* * *

'Kaneki, take the back table,' Touka told him, heavily occupied with greeting a number of students that had just entered the shop. It had started snowing to everyone's surprise and distaste, which had resulted in the shop gaining more customers. The shop was warm and filled with calming chatter and the soothing scent of coffee engulfed the small area. The ambiance in general was comforting and almost picture perfect, like a scene from one of Hide's manga books.

He winced at the thought and pushed it down.

He nodded at Touka, who was too busy seating the new customers to notice, and grabbing his note-pad walked to the back table.

He was trying his best to strive for normality, he had had considered dying his hair and getting natural nail polish to hide his dark nails but when he had hesitantly suggested his idea it had quickly been dismissed. Touka had mentioned a hair-cut but something within him denied that idea almost as quickly as his own had been rejected.

Still, he craved for normality.

He could feel the stares of some of the customers cutting into him. It was a fair guess to say that the stark white hair on his head, his eye-patch and his contrasting dark apron did make him stand out, fairly subjecting him to the eyes of the public. It made him cringe internally, a stab of insecurity hitting him.

The table he had to serve was a group of girls around his age, maybe even from his university. Thinking back to his university, an unpleasant feeling of guilt and dread settled over him.

Hide.

He hadn't stopped thinking about Hide. It was always on the back of his mind. Eating away at him. The worst part was that he couldn't distract himself too long. Every small thing brought up Hide. The colour of his hair, his smile, his honey coloured eyes. Sure, he was worried about his co-workers but Hide.

Hide, his best friend.

His support.

How could he face him? How could he protect him if he hadn't been able to protect himself?

This to him justified his neglect of his best-friend. He didn't want him hurt. He wanted to protect him.

He plastered a smile on his face and quickly scribbled their orders, trying his best to not converse with them too long. Not stay around them too long.

He had just finished making their coffees and serving them when the door opened, sending in a blast of freezing cold air and the bell ringing loudly. He turned back to greet the new arrivals, hoping his smile seemed sincere, hoping he was regaining that normality he was striving for.

And froze.

And stared.

The door shut lightly, everyone around him engrossed in discussing the weather, the latest movie or some un-important celebrity.

But he stared.

The boy at the door stared back.

Hide.

He could see the contained emotion in those expressive amber eyes and the easy smile on his lips falling. Those familiar bleached brows knitting together in confusion, and then going through multitudes of emotions.

Finally settling on a face he'd call impassive. A mask of emotion he wasn't used to seeing on the face of someone like Hide.

Hide opened his mouth, his lips forming words but Kaneki couldn't hear anything. His ears were ringing too loudly. The sound hitting him slowly.

'Table for one please, and I'd like an Americano and a black coffee.'

He snapped out of his daze at those blunt words, forcing his feet to move forward and lead the most important person in the world to him to a table as casually as he could manage.

It was as if his tongue was stuck. He couldn't speak.

' _Cat got your tongue, Kaneki?'_

' _Hide! I need to study; we can't talk in a library anyway. You should study too!'_

' _Man you're such a nerd.'_

As if he didn't know him.

' _We're friends right?'_

 _The blonde haired boy looked at the dark haired one in surprise._

' _Of course not.'_

 _The black haired one looked taken aback at his blunt reply, his brown eyes clouding over._

 _Seeing his friend's disgruntlement the blonde continued with his answer quickly,_

' _We're best friends! Like the bestest best friends in Tokyo, Ken!'_

 _A laugh of surprise left the black haired boys mouth even before his blonde companion finished._

He felt as if he'd been punched in his stomach, all sorts of emotions bubbling up within him. He could feel his heart clenching, as if Hide himself was crushing it. It felt like he was, with his un-concerned glances around the shop and over Kaneki as if he was a stranger.

'An Americano was it, sir?' Kaneki managed without too much emotion.

Now Hide looked up at him, into his eyes, a smile brightening his face. Like the sun casting its gracious rays onto a deprived man. He could feel his breath catching at that.

'A black coffee too, thanks!' He said it in an off-hand manner, almost flippantly. Not like he was talking to a friend. Just to another waiter.

To a stranger.

Kaneki walked away, with a lump in his throat. His saliva tasted like bile and he could feel his breath labouring. He worked as quickly as he could, avoiding eye-contact with Touka, who seemed to be completely unaware of Hide's presence and all his other co-workers. It was impossibly hard to keep his hand steady pouring coffee and he kept splashing burning hot drops onto his hand.

He didn't feel them. He didn't hear anything. His body felt numb.

Hide didn't recognize him.

Hide didn't care.

 _At least Hide was safe._

He could feel his steps faltering as he carried the mugs of coffee to his best-friend's table. Shakily he placed the mugs in front of Hide, thanking Kami that he hadn't spilled anything.

He could see Hide staring at him, with excruciating intensity. He did everything in his power to not look up at his face. He settled the coffee properly, picking up the menu card and taking back his tray. He could still feel those eyes, making his skin prickle.

'Enjoy your coffee sir,' he smiled weakly.

He turned quickly, preparing himself to straighten up and walk away. He could feel the tears welling up.

 _Stupid._

'Kaneki.'

He could feel his heart hammering.

Hide.

'Kaneki, sit.'

He felt dizzy with emotion turning to Hide, trying to control himself. But he couldn't.

'Hide…'

A loving smile lit the blonde's face, the smile he knew best. The smile that signaled him home.

'Where has my bestest best friend been?'

He felt his tears sliding over his quivering lips.

Maybe he could find normality after all.


End file.
